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Concentration levels are really down!

And that’s kind of frustrating, because I’ve loads of tasks at work to be done… but due to the massive negative “inner-talking” going on at present, the energy to be used on other tasks are really low. It’s kind of strange – I enjoy being at work, but I can’t seem to get any thing done. I have my own office, it is well tempered, it’s a fairly quiet workplace. But, I feel bad about being here and not doing the things I should do. (Blogging and internet surfing is sadly not part of my job description)

As I wrote in my post about handling criticism, I’m in a destructive period now. I also find it hard to reduce this destructivism by reminding myself about how God loves everybody and Jesus died for our sins, and so on. That doesn’t apply to me, just other people. 😐 The easiest thing to do is to give in to this destructiveness, and give up the struggle for raising my self-esteem. But I’m not going to do that. I can’t do that, because by giving up I would have to quit my job – i.e. disappoint my co-workers and boss, and I’d be unable to be a wife and a mother, and that’ll disappoint and even damage my husband and son. Giving up is not an option. So I’ll have to keep on struggling.

Earlier in my life I thought this destructivism came from the devil. I don’t know if that’s the truth. But. one can wonder. The destructive ghost (as I call it) tries to get me to stop wearing a cross around my neck, because I’m not a perfect christian. “Why should I go around bragging about my faith, when in fact it is far from perfect?” And “what’s the point for me to try to dress modestly, when my heart is full of condemning of others who do not? Doesn’t the whole dressing modestly exercise become more of a skin thing, than really inside and spiritual?” And that passage in the Bible about seeing the speck in other’s eyes and not the plank in mine, is very relevant to me now. And that makes me sad, and it makes me think “what’s the point in trying to be a good person and live according to God’s will, when in fact I’m so far from target. I’m a person of less value, due to my rotten personality.” -And who’s to benefit from me thinking this way, if not the evil himself? He tries to draw people away from God in all possible ways.

I’m not sure wether the devil is a real creature or just the symbol of evilness in this world. But either way the result is the same, me feeling bad about myself. My destructive ghost is a result of the treatment my father gave me when growing up. It reappears now and then to tell me what a stupid and idiotic and so on, person I really am. But is this really true? Are my sins any worse than others’? Aren’t I just a normal person trying to live a good life? Didn’t Jesus die on that cross to liberate all people from their sin – and why should I be the sole exemption? Jesus is the only person able to live a whole life without committing any sins, because He was in fact a personification of God. I should stop striving for a perfect life, and start to focus on the fact that God sees me as a person among others. I’m just an human being with all the flaws and goods one normally have. That’s the only way to fight this destructive ghost!

John 3:16 (New King James Version): For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

Ephesians 2, By Grace Through Faith: 1 And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, 2 in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, 3 among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others. 4 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. From http://www.biblegateway.com Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

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