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Tuesday morning feelings

Right now I feel like going out of my workplace and buy something. What? Perhaps something to eat, so that I can reduce the sad and empty feeling inside me. And perhaps something to cheer me up – a new shoulderbag, a piece of jewelry?

Earlier today I’ve spent (thrown away) NOK 100,- (≈USD 20,-) on a pregnancy test. But of course the test was negative, and now I’m just sad, angry and disappointed. I thought that we’d timed it so good this time, but apparently not. I’m disillusioned and the only thing I want is to go home and go to bed and sleep… get away from everything. I canceled my participation in a meeting at work, couldn’t manage to face the others and be productive. I feel like crying it out loud, and to have everyone feel pity for me because I don’t get to have another child…

Unfortunately, there’s a possible chance that the test was taken too early, despite the period being due today. It’s normal for me to have the period start a week later, because the ovulation didn’t take place when I thought it would. My system’s not reliable, and that makes it difficult to know when things should happen. If only the test could be like an x-ray picture of my stomach, and I would see if the uterus is empty or not… Unfortunately – that’s because I can hope for another week or so for a better result than today. Unless of course my period starts in the meantime.

I know perfectly well that nothing gets better by eating or buying anything. Perhaps for a short period of time, but not in the long run. Then I blame myself for having eaten sweets and chocolate or buying things I don’t need, and I get even sadder or angrier.

Monday morning thoughts

Most of my thoughts today center around the “new baby” issue… will my period start today or tomorrow as scheduled? Should I take a test to see whether a new baby is in its first development inside me, or is it simply a waste of time and money? (I’ve taken numerous tests earlier this year when waiting for my period – and all have been negative) I’m not as pms ridden as usual, but this differ from period to period as well. I wish my system was on the clock punctual and that if my period was one day or week late, I could be certain that it was due to pregnancy. But, unfortunately, that’s not me! Its perfectly normal for me to wait everything from a day to a couple of weeks extra for my period to begin. Hence, the conceiving thing is somewhat tricky – because it isn’t possible to pinpoint the exact days certain activities should take place…

I try not to think about this too much, as I know that could have impact on my chances to become pregnant. But because this is something I want very much, it’s hard to not think about it! I should try to talk to God about it, and put it in His hands. I must admit that that’s a thing I’ve problems with doing. In important cases, like this, I don’t rely fully on God, and I somehow think that I should fix it myself. Because when I ordered a new baby from God, He didn’t deliver, and I’m disappointed with Him. Why couldn’t He give me a second child when I started wanting it? If I’m not pregnant now, and becomes pregnant later this year, I would have to be pregnant during the hot summer months… and me being a “hot” person, that’s not something I’d enjoy. I did it the last time, and it wasn’t comfortable at all! (My firstborn is born in September) And the age difference between the two will be larger.

I have some sharp pains at both sides of my stomach, deep down – almost where my thighs begin. I remember having pains at these sides at the early stages of my previous pregnancy, but dare I think these are the same?

Today it’s two weeks since I stopped eating chocolates and sweets (again). I’ve already lost 0,6 kg. And I’m satisfied with my achievements. My main motivation is becoming more fertile, and also be able to do more without becoming tired. I wont loose weight in a hurry, and become super slim. My main goal is to loose 20 kg in 1,5 year. That’s a reasonable time, and it means that I don’t have to be on a diet all the time. Being on a diet removes my want to eat anything, giving me bad consciousness if I should eat, and that’s not a good thing. I do this my way, all on my own, that gives me a feeling of control, and that’s something I need!

I’ve also been in modest and feminine clothes everyday for the past two weeks. I’ve worn skirts and modest tops. My skirts have different lengths, some are summer skirts knee length, others are more autumn/winter and have longer lengths. I really like wearing skirts! But I have some difficulties with being more visible – as women around me doesn’t wear skirts as the rule, but sometimes… There’s a destructive feeling inside me because I’m dressing femininely. I try to overhear this inner thought, but… it isn’t easy… and it drains me of my energy!

Easier to dress modestly in fall

I find it much easier to dress modestly now when the weather is colder, than in the midst of summer. Now I wear my knee-length summer skirts with tights underneath. Half or full sleeve blouses/tunics, and the long warmer skirts, makes a modest and comfortable wardrobe. I also have a couple of almost see-through tunics that I wear over my least modest tees. I manage to wear skirts all week when leaving the house. At home I have a couple of very comfy (but not at all stylish) sweat pants that I wear. But mainly that’s inside the house or perhaps out in the street watching my son play or when driving him to the kindergarden and following him in. I have a variety of different skirts, and I like wearing them. This is something I’ve chosen for myself, and am totally comfortable with. I like the femininity of the skirts, but also the fact that they’re not as warm as my pair of jeans.

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Today and yesterday I’ve had a light form for morning sickness… but dare I believe that it’s pregnancy related, or should I keep telling myself that this has nothing to do with me being pregnant, this is only related to my tonsillitis and the bad taste I wake up with every morning as a result of my tonsillitis being chronic. Or even my body faking pregnancy symptoms because I want it that much… Of course I really hope, and pray for, a little life starting in my womb, but as I’ve hoped for that every month since January this year, and every month becoming disappointed, I’m reluctant to hope too much. It’s better if I assume I can’t have any more babies, and then if I can, I can be happily surprised… this was somewhat easier to believe in before my first pregnancy… but now that I know I can have children naturally concieved I think that it should be possible a second time. Oh, how hard it is to wait for my period to come (or hopefully not)…

Pains make me afraid… (baby no. 2?)

When in bed with my mucle pains and fever (some sort of flu or infection) last weekend, I began remembering the labour pains. Because the localisation of these pains were largely the same as the pains I head when giving birth. And I thought that I’ll never be able to give birth again, because of the anxitey resulting from having this much pain.

Due to my lack of control over my body when growing up (incest experience) it is very important to me to have control over my body, or at least feel that I have some sort of control. Whenever I experience some sort of pain, ranging from my period to the ultimate pain experience giving birth, I’m filled with anxiety. I’m afraid of the pain in a way I can’t explain. And hence, I don’t understand my reaction.

 

And, in relation to this, I think a lot about having a second baby. Before last weekend I associated having babies with the joy and excitment of being a part of God’s creation will, and looking at the ultrasound pictures, wondering how this little person inside me is going to be. He’s so close, yet so foreign to me!

But, having rekindled the memory of the labour pains, and especially all the anxiety I had after the birth, I’m in doubt as to whether to have a second baby or not… 😕 The question is, am I in a position where I can decide whether to have or not a second baby? There are so many things to consider!

The Church’s teachings

According to the Church’s official teachings, a marriage is a lifelong commitment (it’s actually of such great importance that it’s considered as one of the sacraments) between a man and a women. The marriage is formed to the benefit of the man and the woman, but also to the society. The marriage is the smallest “building cell” of a society. And every marriage must be entered into with an openness to having children. Or receiving the children that God gives the couple, thus taking part in God’s creation will or order. The Church also teaches that the only acceptable form for contraceptives is abstaining. And it is up to the couple to decide the number of children. The children is seen as a gift or blessing from God.

The society’s “teachings”

The main trend in Norway is to have one’s first child at the age of 29-30 (woman) and then having two to three kids. A lot of peoples have their kids fairly close in age, probably because of their starting age and then they want to get done with the kids being small and needy, fairly quickly. Kids are seen as both a good and a blockage thing. It’s seen as normal to have kids, although not everyone’s prepared to make the “sacrifices” one must to cater properly for the kids’ needs. Having been adult without kids for some years (maybe as much as 15 years) one develop certain habits and routines, and a number of new parents find it hard to cut down on clubbing, boys- and girls- outings, and personal fitness programs. It’s not seen as normal to bring one’s children along to all the things the adults does. Going to cafés with a baby is ok, but not if the kid’s passed 1-2 years. Gyms have babysitting facilities, and going to restaurants for dinner, the kid has to be at home or looked after by someone else. In southern Europe this is different, there it is common to see large families having dinner at a restaurant at 20.00 and on, all ages present.

The couple can decide how many kids to have, and the publically correct opinion is that a mother should continue persuing her career and self realisation anyhow. Having children should not block or put one back from these goals. 😐 (NB! Being a mother is not seen as a valid self realisation goal.) Having children is just one of the roles and functions a woman has. Along with being a wife and partner, career woman, friend, and so on. 🙄

My “teachings”

To me, being a mother is the most important thing I can be. It has given me a purpose for living. All my past and my future life will be used in order to be the best mother I can be. It is great to have been chosen by God to participate in his creation will/order. He saw me fit to be a mother, and I’m forever grateful.

I’m first and foremost a mother, and thus, I let the consideration to my son overrule any other consideration. I don’t care for having a career, that doesn’t make me happy. Being a mother does!

Then, if God wants me to have a second baby, and He thinks I’m fit and capable, then I will. But how may I know? I pray for Him to give us a second child if that’s what He wants. I’m very content with having only one, because the one is such a large and valuable gift! He’s all I ever could have wanted! He’s perfect!

I also pray for the Lord to give me the courage and strength needed to give birth to a second child, if I’m having one. My son deserves a sister or brother, and I know we have room in my family (time, love, space etc), both the small one and the more extended one. I mustn’t let my anxiety win, but I need to find out how to overcome and live with the anxiety as well. I think I would regret having only one kid, should it be due to me being afraid of giving birth and worrying too much for the future… none of my worries have been true so far, it’s due time for me trying to worry less!

No baby :(

😡 My system is very inreliable, I’m very impatient, and the want to become pregnant very strong, but today I know that there’s no little person developping inside me. 😥

Is there a little person growing inside?

embryo1_3w.jpgLook at that beautiful little person! It’s a picture I found googling for “embryo” and this one is 3 weeks old. Already one can see that he/she has eyes and some internal organs or structures, and two little legs… Oh, I’m so hoping to experience another miracle!

I’m in control

Had my last appointment with my physiotherapist today. It was my decision to end it, but we agreed upon it. I’ve come a long way, and I’m happy for all the progress she’s helped me achieved. I’ve never taken such a decision before, always feared for hurting the other person, and also thinking that they as a skilled person know better than me when it’s time to end a therapeutic relationship. But it feels good to be able to make my own decision. It’s my life and my responsibility to make it a fairly good one.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday, but it was negative. I’m still hoping that there is a baby starting to develop, that the test was to early to give a reliable answer. My husband is so calm about it, if it happens its ok, if it doesn’t that’s ok too. If only I could be that calm about it! I was the last time, because I didn’t believe I could get pregnant, so it took me a long time to realise that it was in fact a baby growing inside. Then I thought about all the things that could go wrong, and was convinced the baby would die inside me, or right after being born. Lucky for me, none of my fears became true, the boy is now 2,5 yrs old and healthy.