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Tuesday morning feelings

Right now I feel like going out of my workplace and buy something. What? Perhaps something to eat, so that I can reduce the sad and empty feeling inside me. And perhaps something to cheer me up – a new shoulderbag, a piece of jewelry?

Earlier today I’ve spent (thrown away) NOK 100,- (≈USD 20,-) on a pregnancy test. But of course the test was negative, and now I’m just sad, angry and disappointed. I thought that we’d timed it so good this time, but apparently not. I’m disillusioned and the only thing I want is to go home and go to bed and sleep… get away from everything. I canceled my participation in a meeting at work, couldn’t manage to face the others and be productive. I feel like crying it out loud, and to have everyone feel pity for me because I don’t get to have another child…

Unfortunately, there’s a possible chance that the test was taken too early, despite the period being due today. It’s normal for me to have the period start a week later, because the ovulation didn’t take place when I thought it would. My system’s not reliable, and that makes it difficult to know when things should happen. If only the test could be like an x-ray picture of my stomach, and I would see if the uterus is empty or not… Unfortunately – that’s because I can hope for another week or so for a better result than today. Unless of course my period starts in the meantime.

I know perfectly well that nothing gets better by eating or buying anything. Perhaps for a short period of time, but not in the long run. Then I blame myself for having eaten sweets and chocolate or buying things I don’t need, and I get even sadder or angrier.

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Oh no!!

I need to see a dentist. I hate going to the dentist! 😦 Yesterday I lost a bit of one of my teeth while eating. It just fell out… Some of my teeth have had so many holes plumbed, that only thin walls remains. So it’s no wonder that bits fall off. But, I have to have it checked by the dentist, and thinking about going to the dentist makes my gums sore and sensitive. Although I always have local anesthetics administered, I hate the whole experience… laying there with my mouth opened to the maximum, having the dentist picking and working inside my mouth. The sounds, the tastes, everything is a nightmare. 😛

And then there’s the talk about me cleening my teeth too poorly, I need to floss, brush, and gurgle twice a day. Of course I don’t, and the result is all the holes in my teeth. But, the comfort eating doesn’t make it much better – being sweets and chocolate…

Handling criticism… :(

I don’t know how to handle criticism without it shattering my self-image. I know I’m supposed to separate person and actions, so that people criticising for example my handling of a work task, doesn’t automatically become a critique of me as a person. The problem is that I can’t put this into action. Yesterday my boss talked about what we (him and me) could do to prevent errors within my area of responsibility at work. Over and over again he emphasised that he’s not blaming me, he’s also responsible, he said, for not checking up how I’m doing.

I heard him say this, but inside my head I translated it into negative and destructive messages about how I’m not performing satisfyingly. So, today I’ve difficulties with concentrating. I have this feeling of being not able to perform what is expected. And, I must admit that I expect no mistakes and errors on my work. At least no errors of a certain importance. I really don’t know how to change this deep rooted feeling of being “under par”. I’ve had it for all my life (yes, I can remember that I’m at the age of four or five thought that I was worse and of less value than the others in my kindergarten).

From the therapy I’ve done the last years, I’ve learnt that the change is to be made in the way I think about myself. But it doesn’t seem to really work. It works on a certain level, keeping the bad feeling away for a while. Then I enter periods of low self-esteem or a bad self image. Where everything is translated into failures. And in these periods there’s something inside me that’s content and happy – sort of telling me (no, I don’t hear voices) that this is the real me. This is how I’ve been all my life, and that’s never going to really change. The other version of me, the one able to handle failures without breaking down, that’s just me playing and acting a role. Because all the failures, even the ones handled well, pile up in a virtual backpack, and when that’s too heavy I break down and I’m no good at all. I’m not worthy of anything, and I’m not capable of anything… Luckily for me and my surroundings, these periods change, I have good periods and I have bad. Earlier, the bad ones seemed to go on forever, and while they probably changed a bit, I was always on the negative side.

And then there’s the religious perspective to this. I know that I’m supposed to be happy because the Lord loves me and have created me in His picture. But, when I don’t like being me, that’s not easy to be happy about! 😦 I have a certain idea of why I’ve always wanted to be someone other than me. It has do to with my biological father. Although I’ve distanced myself from him the latest years, I’ll always carry some of his genes in my genes, and I’ll always have the “wounds” he inflicted on me in my childhood and youth. (Wounds is put in ” ” because the wounds are not visible, they’re just inside me.) I cannot run, hide or escape from myself, I have to carry this body, face and internal and external features around with me.

I’ve doubled my weight since moving out at the age of 18. But I’m still me, inside there’s still this failure-version of me. I’m actually somewhat afraid of loosing my weight, because that’ll make me more like I was when my father did his things… Having a baby didn’t change my body as much as I’d hoped for. The only sign is the larger tummy (due to badly trained muscles after birth). The stretchmarks may have increased in number, but to be honest, I haven’t noticed. I had a lot of stretchmarks before becoming pregnant due to weight increase. I’ve colored and cut my hair, but the face remains the same. I see the same face, only larger chins, as I’ve done for years. In short, I sort of hate everything about me, everything I’ve had since my youth…

In case you, the reader, got very worried about me, I’d like to add that I’ve applied for more therapy and am currently awaiting response. And I’m never really suicidal because I know that a lot of people would get sad, and I know that the problems will diminish again.

It’s enough!

😳 My tummy is the size of a pregnant woman ready to give birth, I have heartburn and sitting at my desk in the office is not comfortable! :(This would be acceptable if I had been pregnant, but I’m not, and it is all due to me eating too much. This morning I bought a 200 gram chocolate bar and ate it all before lunch. Then I had my two sandwiches for lunch sitting in front of the computer, and when all the others had lunch, I ate 500 dl of yoghurt. 😳 And now I feel stuffed. I can’t take this anymore! It is time for a ban on all chocolate, sweets and other extra eating! This has to stop! I’m embarrased about my large tummy, and with summer in sight, it’s time I start right now!!

Of course, I’m not going to be slim in May, but my stomach is going to flatten, and that’s the most important thing! Being large, I’m used to, but looking pregnant, is not good. Oooh, I feel sick just thinking about the amounts of calories I’ve been eating the last months… 😥 and to no, absolutely no use what so ever! I’m certain I’ve put on some weight. (I haven’t dared to check) And now it has to come off! I won’t be dieting, I’ll still have butter on my sandwich and eat a piece of cake when offered, but by increasing my level of activity and stop eating extras, I’ll loose some weight.

 

The more one eats, the more active one should be…

ist2_2592411_fat_woman_at_the_beach.jpgHere’s a new thought to me: if eating a lot of chocolate, I should be more active than if I’m not eating chocolate or other sweets. I’ve always thought that eating chocolate is such a “crime” (to myself anyway) that I could just give up on all good intentions… but talking to my GP on Friday, she presented this new idea to me. She knows what I’m talking about, she’s a little big herself, and doesn’t condemn my imperfect actions. It’s good to finally meet a GP that isn’t using every opportunity to tell me that I’m overweight and that I should do something about it.

I don’t understand how these health professionals think… do they actually think that I’m not aware of my weight being fairly more than the recommended weight for a person my height? And do they actually think that I haven’t done or tried to do anything about it? And, do they actually think that telling me to do something about it, may help? For example, I was taking an ultrasound of my stomach area (no pregnancy), and the doctor performing the ultrasound, which lasted for 10 minutes, poked my stomach and said that since being overweight the pictures was not going to be very clear (which I knew, because I’d been taking ultrasounds when pregnant the previous year), and then she said “it’s just about going out for some more walks, you know”. Lying there, with my least favourite area uncovered, I felt really humiliated, but being an overweight person I’m used to be humiliated by health professionals. So I replied a polite “yes” and didn’t say anything more. Back in my office I first felt sad then angry. But I didn’t do anything about it. So this doctor will keep on humiliating other overweights.

I know it isn’t smart to be overweight, I’m aware of all the health risks I’m facing, but it isn’t that easy to stop eating chocolate. Comfort-eating has been (and still is) my way of comping with the traumas I suffer from. Others may use alcohol, gambling, drugs etc to cope. And I don’t tell everyone about the reason why I’ve been comfort-eating… and it shouldn’t be necessary either! I recommend all health professionals to be a little more polite and understanding in dealing with persons suffering from politically uncorrect actions (such as smoking, drugs, comfort-eating).

The cat is out of the bag…

No more secrets and lies! I sent my husband an all-revealing email earlier today, and I feel so relieved! The sun shines outside and I actually enjoy it. I detailed all about my credit card debts and my latest CED-activities (compulsive eating disorder) which he didn’t know about until now… I also made a list of things I’m supposed to do or goals I’m supposed to achieve, but I can’t see how I’ll do that… I guess he’ll be disappointed with me, sort of giving up on always striving to be the perfect person. I’m tired of trying and trying, only resulting in creating more negative stress for myself. I think its time I say, OK, this is me. These are my positive and my negative sides.

I’ve always tried to do better, to be as others are, never accepting that I’m OK as I am. At work I’ve tried to excel, to deliver more than is expected from me, to make my boss stunned by my “perfect” work. But now, it’s not working. I’m delivering barely on schedule, finding hard to concentrate, and I don’t have the energy to do anything… What’s the point in doing something acceptable, when I can’t make everything perfect? At home I’ve tried to be more like my husband. He’s the housekeeper, he makes every dinner, he’s got the energy to do several household chores everyday – after work! My level of activities will never match his. To me household chores are BORING. To him it’s a necessary thing to be done, and he manage to motivate himself to do them. I tend to wait until we get visitors or the task is loooong overdue. He’s not satisified with my level of activity, and I agree, but I don’t see how I can mobilise enough energy or motivation to do more… 😦 Earlier it was sort of okay to him that I did less than him, when I was depressed, but as I now regard myself much better, he’s irritated over my low level of activity. And I can understand him, it is not fair that one person in a household does way more than the other. I wouldn’t like it if it was the other way around… but how to do something and be satisified with that something instead of thinking about all the other things I didn’t manage, that I don’t know how to achieve… and in the meantime, all my energy goes to thinking about my low performances and what others must think about me… when will my boss tell me to consider quitting my job or my husband tell me that he’s tired of waiting for me to do more… 😦

That’s today’s status.

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Update:

My husband answered that it was sad for me to have these problems (as detailed above) and that he wanted to help me get rid of the problems. That wasn’t exactly the answer I’d hoped for. I guess I wanted him to say that he loves me despite of my problems. By telling me he’ll help me get rid of my problems, he sort of says that I’m OK but I should get rid of those problems in order to be loved… that’s how I understood it. But, we talked it thru and it’s good not having any secrets.

Jeg er en løgner!

Ah, der var det “sagt”. Jeg har hele mitt liv vært opptatt av å være ærlig og snill og flink og grei – for å bli godt likt. Men nå er jeg en sånn som lyver! 😦 Jeg har dårlig samvittighet, men jeg tenker også at “alle andre gjør det jo, så jeg kan jo også”… ikke bra! Det rare er at jeg er helt rolig når jeg lyver også. Jeg blir ikke stresset eller begynner å svette eller noe… jeg bare sitter der og lyver til folk og føler INGENTING! Hva sier det om meg? Er jeg ond? Slem? Følelsesløs? Er dette psykopatiske trekk? Blir jeg som min far? (Han er vel psykopat, uten at han har fått den diagnosen noen gang) Jeg kan ikke rømme fra løgnen for jeg kan ikke rømme fra meg selv, og jeg kan ikke innrømme den, for da vil hun sikkert ikke ha noe mer med meg å gjøre, eller hun blir sint og skuffet osv. Jeg er voksen – jeg kan jo ikke bare lyve og vente at alle skjønner at jeg lyver… HUFF! 😦2372-007655x_180x125.jpg2372-007655x_180x125.jpg

Nå sist løy jeg til min terapeut om at jeg har sluttet med godteri/trøstespising. Dvs det var hun som sa at “du har jo sluttet med godteri” og jeg sa ingenting for å avkrefte det. Selv om jo, jeg har sluttet, men jeg har begynt på igjen også… jeg har spist godteri daglig siden november/desember i fjor. Da hadde jeg holdt meg unna siden mai 2007. Det er bare legen min som vet om det. Ikke min mann, og ikke terapeuten eller noen andre… Jeg gjemmer vekk posene (f.eks i veska, i strikketøyet, skuffer mannen min ikke åpner, osv.). Hvis det er en dag jeg ikke får spist noe, blir jeg irritert. Jeg finner på at jeg kan dra og handle mat, eller jeg går innom kiosken på postrunden for jobb… Hjemme vil jeg helst sitte i godstolen hvor jeg har et lite lager i strikketøyet som står ved siden av. Hver gang mannen min går fra stua sniker jeg hånda ned og tar opp litt godis. Jeg skal slutte igjen… jeg vet at jeg kan det… men jeg utsetter det… jeg tenker liksom at en ny baby i magen er en enkel slankekur… forrige gang gikk jeg ned over 10 kilo. Denne gangen skal jeg være enda flinkere – og gå ned 15…?! Tenker jeg… og i mellomtiden spiser jeg kanskje 2-300 gram smågodt/sjokolade om dagen…

Men nå har altså terapeuten blitt streng og sagt at hvis ikke jeg begynner å gå ned i vekt (stått stille siden desember – på tross av all godtespisingen!) så må jeg slutte hos henne… hun tipser om lett-produkter osv mens jeg sitter og tenker på hva slags godteri jeg skal kjøpe etterpå… Jeg vet hva vekt-stillstanden skyldes – og jatter med… men, å så dårlig samvittighet når jeg går ut!

Jeg bekjenner/for Gud den allmektige/at jeg har syndet meget/i tanker og ord/gjerninger og forsømmelser/ved min skyld/derfor ber jeg den hellige Jomfru Maria og dere alle/be for meg til Herren vår Gud. (Katolsk syndsbekjennelse)

Burde vel gjort godtespising til et faste-mål, men det gjorde jeg ikke, for jeg ville trøstespise… men, hvis det kommer to streker på testen, da er det stopp!