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Josef and Elisabeth F.

This is the worst case of incest abuse I’ve ever heard of! It’s impossble to imagine what could have made this man do such things to his own daughter. He’s clearly a person without any form of empathy. And the various media (TV, newspapers etc) work hard to give us all possible details of this horror history. Why? to sell more of course! If a media soruce is the first one to report some “important” news, that helps build it’s image as a reliable and quick newssource.

Curious about the case, most people read/listen/view a lot in the beginning, then – fed up by all the horrific details, one tunes out and wander off to read/hear/view something else. And the attention is lost.

What makes me extra sad about this, is that following the discovery of such an horror, should be a massive information campaign teaching people how to look for similar cases in their surroundings, and what do to if one suspects incestous actions happening. Who to contact, what to say to the possible victim to ask for the truth etc. This could help reduce the amount of incest or other abuse.

Because of my personal experience with incest I know that “normal” people does these things all around the world. (Of course, not all to this extent.) And the same thing happen everytime; people told about the incest actions of a certain person, doesn’t believe it, because they’ve never seen anything. How long will it take before people start to understand that persons they think are all good and kind, can do evil things? And that abusers often (I’ll say in most cases) are normal people just like one self, and that they hide the abuse very well!? They’re masters of disguising their evil actions, and the victims are masters of hiding the abuse as they feel ashamed and partly guilty. Help from outside is needed.

I’m sure that this Josef F. case in Austria isn’t the only one of this extent and seriousity. It’s just that nobody have talked about them, neither the abuser nor the abuse victim. Please, all victims, talk about your experience, but choose your listeners with care! Talk about it in victim support groups, to your psychologic therapeut, on the Internet… Do not keep silent with your experiences! You’re not helping anyone by keeping silent! (I know, I’ve tried, and I only punished myself!) It’s never your fault!

Concentration levels are really down!

And that’s kind of frustrating, because I’ve loads of tasks at work to be done… but due to the massive negative “inner-talking” going on at present, the energy to be used on other tasks are really low. It’s kind of strange – I enjoy being at work, but I can’t seem to get any thing done. I have my own office, it is well tempered, it’s a fairly quiet workplace. But, I feel bad about being here and not doing the things I should do. (Blogging and internet surfing is sadly not part of my job description)

As I wrote in my post about handling criticism, I’m in a destructive period now. I also find it hard to reduce this destructivism by reminding myself about how God loves everybody and Jesus died for our sins, and so on. That doesn’t apply to me, just other people. 😐 The easiest thing to do is to give in to this destructiveness, and give up the struggle for raising my self-esteem. But I’m not going to do that. I can’t do that, because by giving up I would have to quit my job – i.e. disappoint my co-workers and boss, and I’d be unable to be a wife and a mother, and that’ll disappoint and even damage my husband and son. Giving up is not an option. So I’ll have to keep on struggling.

Earlier in my life I thought this destructivism came from the devil. I don’t know if that’s the truth. But. one can wonder. The destructive ghost (as I call it) tries to get me to stop wearing a cross around my neck, because I’m not a perfect christian. “Why should I go around bragging about my faith, when in fact it is far from perfect?” And “what’s the point for me to try to dress modestly, when my heart is full of condemning of others who do not? Doesn’t the whole dressing modestly exercise become more of a skin thing, than really inside and spiritual?” And that passage in the Bible about seeing the speck in other’s eyes and not the plank in mine, is very relevant to me now. And that makes me sad, and it makes me think “what’s the point in trying to be a good person and live according to God’s will, when in fact I’m so far from target. I’m a person of less value, due to my rotten personality.” -And who’s to benefit from me thinking this way, if not the evil himself? He tries to draw people away from God in all possible ways.

I’m not sure wether the devil is a real creature or just the symbol of evilness in this world. But either way the result is the same, me feeling bad about myself. My destructive ghost is a result of the treatment my father gave me when growing up. It reappears now and then to tell me what a stupid and idiotic and so on, person I really am. But is this really true? Are my sins any worse than others’? Aren’t I just a normal person trying to live a good life? Didn’t Jesus die on that cross to liberate all people from their sin – and why should I be the sole exemption? Jesus is the only person able to live a whole life without committing any sins, because He was in fact a personification of God. I should stop striving for a perfect life, and start to focus on the fact that God sees me as a person among others. I’m just an human being with all the flaws and goods one normally have. That’s the only way to fight this destructive ghost!

John 3:16 (New King James Version): For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

Ephesians 2, By Grace Through Faith: 1 And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, 2 in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, 3 among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others. 4 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. From http://www.biblegateway.com Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Handling criticism… :(

I don’t know how to handle criticism without it shattering my self-image. I know I’m supposed to separate person and actions, so that people criticising for example my handling of a work task, doesn’t automatically become a critique of me as a person. The problem is that I can’t put this into action. Yesterday my boss talked about what we (him and me) could do to prevent errors within my area of responsibility at work. Over and over again he emphasised that he’s not blaming me, he’s also responsible, he said, for not checking up how I’m doing.

I heard him say this, but inside my head I translated it into negative and destructive messages about how I’m not performing satisfyingly. So, today I’ve difficulties with concentrating. I have this feeling of being not able to perform what is expected. And, I must admit that I expect no mistakes and errors on my work. At least no errors of a certain importance. I really don’t know how to change this deep rooted feeling of being “under par”. I’ve had it for all my life (yes, I can remember that I’m at the age of four or five thought that I was worse and of less value than the others in my kindergarten).

From the therapy I’ve done the last years, I’ve learnt that the change is to be made in the way I think about myself. But it doesn’t seem to really work. It works on a certain level, keeping the bad feeling away for a while. Then I enter periods of low self-esteem or a bad self image. Where everything is translated into failures. And in these periods there’s something inside me that’s content and happy – sort of telling me (no, I don’t hear voices) that this is the real me. This is how I’ve been all my life, and that’s never going to really change. The other version of me, the one able to handle failures without breaking down, that’s just me playing and acting a role. Because all the failures, even the ones handled well, pile up in a virtual backpack, and when that’s too heavy I break down and I’m no good at all. I’m not worthy of anything, and I’m not capable of anything… Luckily for me and my surroundings, these periods change, I have good periods and I have bad. Earlier, the bad ones seemed to go on forever, and while they probably changed a bit, I was always on the negative side.

And then there’s the religious perspective to this. I know that I’m supposed to be happy because the Lord loves me and have created me in His picture. But, when I don’t like being me, that’s not easy to be happy about! 😦 I have a certain idea of why I’ve always wanted to be someone other than me. It has do to with my biological father. Although I’ve distanced myself from him the latest years, I’ll always carry some of his genes in my genes, and I’ll always have the “wounds” he inflicted on me in my childhood and youth. (Wounds is put in ” ” because the wounds are not visible, they’re just inside me.) I cannot run, hide or escape from myself, I have to carry this body, face and internal and external features around with me.

I’ve doubled my weight since moving out at the age of 18. But I’m still me, inside there’s still this failure-version of me. I’m actually somewhat afraid of loosing my weight, because that’ll make me more like I was when my father did his things… Having a baby didn’t change my body as much as I’d hoped for. The only sign is the larger tummy (due to badly trained muscles after birth). The stretchmarks may have increased in number, but to be honest, I haven’t noticed. I had a lot of stretchmarks before becoming pregnant due to weight increase. I’ve colored and cut my hair, but the face remains the same. I see the same face, only larger chins, as I’ve done for years. In short, I sort of hate everything about me, everything I’ve had since my youth…

In case you, the reader, got very worried about me, I’d like to add that I’ve applied for more therapy and am currently awaiting response. And I’m never really suicidal because I know that a lot of people would get sad, and I know that the problems will diminish again.

Pains make me afraid… (baby no. 2?)

When in bed with my mucle pains and fever (some sort of flu or infection) last weekend, I began remembering the labour pains. Because the localisation of these pains were largely the same as the pains I head when giving birth. And I thought that I’ll never be able to give birth again, because of the anxitey resulting from having this much pain.

Due to my lack of control over my body when growing up (incest experience) it is very important to me to have control over my body, or at least feel that I have some sort of control. Whenever I experience some sort of pain, ranging from my period to the ultimate pain experience giving birth, I’m filled with anxiety. I’m afraid of the pain in a way I can’t explain. And hence, I don’t understand my reaction.

 

And, in relation to this, I think a lot about having a second baby. Before last weekend I associated having babies with the joy and excitment of being a part of God’s creation will, and looking at the ultrasound pictures, wondering how this little person inside me is going to be. He’s so close, yet so foreign to me!

But, having rekindled the memory of the labour pains, and especially all the anxiety I had after the birth, I’m in doubt as to whether to have a second baby or not… 😕 The question is, am I in a position where I can decide whether to have or not a second baby? There are so many things to consider!

The Church’s teachings

According to the Church’s official teachings, a marriage is a lifelong commitment (it’s actually of such great importance that it’s considered as one of the sacraments) between a man and a women. The marriage is formed to the benefit of the man and the woman, but also to the society. The marriage is the smallest “building cell” of a society. And every marriage must be entered into with an openness to having children. Or receiving the children that God gives the couple, thus taking part in God’s creation will or order. The Church also teaches that the only acceptable form for contraceptives is abstaining. And it is up to the couple to decide the number of children. The children is seen as a gift or blessing from God.

The society’s “teachings”

The main trend in Norway is to have one’s first child at the age of 29-30 (woman) and then having two to three kids. A lot of peoples have their kids fairly close in age, probably because of their starting age and then they want to get done with the kids being small and needy, fairly quickly. Kids are seen as both a good and a blockage thing. It’s seen as normal to have kids, although not everyone’s prepared to make the “sacrifices” one must to cater properly for the kids’ needs. Having been adult without kids for some years (maybe as much as 15 years) one develop certain habits and routines, and a number of new parents find it hard to cut down on clubbing, boys- and girls- outings, and personal fitness programs. It’s not seen as normal to bring one’s children along to all the things the adults does. Going to cafés with a baby is ok, but not if the kid’s passed 1-2 years. Gyms have babysitting facilities, and going to restaurants for dinner, the kid has to be at home or looked after by someone else. In southern Europe this is different, there it is common to see large families having dinner at a restaurant at 20.00 and on, all ages present.

The couple can decide how many kids to have, and the publically correct opinion is that a mother should continue persuing her career and self realisation anyhow. Having children should not block or put one back from these goals. 😐 (NB! Being a mother is not seen as a valid self realisation goal.) Having children is just one of the roles and functions a woman has. Along with being a wife and partner, career woman, friend, and so on. 🙄

My “teachings”

To me, being a mother is the most important thing I can be. It has given me a purpose for living. All my past and my future life will be used in order to be the best mother I can be. It is great to have been chosen by God to participate in his creation will/order. He saw me fit to be a mother, and I’m forever grateful.

I’m first and foremost a mother, and thus, I let the consideration to my son overrule any other consideration. I don’t care for having a career, that doesn’t make me happy. Being a mother does!

Then, if God wants me to have a second baby, and He thinks I’m fit and capable, then I will. But how may I know? I pray for Him to give us a second child if that’s what He wants. I’m very content with having only one, because the one is such a large and valuable gift! He’s all I ever could have wanted! He’s perfect!

I also pray for the Lord to give me the courage and strength needed to give birth to a second child, if I’m having one. My son deserves a sister or brother, and I know we have room in my family (time, love, space etc), both the small one and the more extended one. I mustn’t let my anxiety win, but I need to find out how to overcome and live with the anxiety as well. I think I would regret having only one kid, should it be due to me being afraid of giving birth and worrying too much for the future… none of my worries have been true so far, it’s due time for me trying to worry less!

Glåmdalen-presten anker ikke!

Presten som i mars ble kjent skyldig i overgrep og vold mot sin stedatter, kunne anke straffutmålingen til Høyesterett. Han fikk åtte års fengsel, ett år mindre enn i tingretten, og må betale 575.000 kroner i oppreisings- og ménerstatning til stedatteren. – Det blir ingen anke. Han orker ikke en ny runde, sier forsvarer Sigmund Øien til avisa Glåmdalen. Forsvareren forklarer at saken er en stor belastning for hans klient og familien. Dommen er nå rettskraftig. Den nå 24 år gamle stedatteren er ifølge Glåmdalen glad for at det ikke ble noen anke. – For henne betyr det mye at hun nå får ro og kan bruke sin tid på å bearbeide det hun har opplevd, sier bistandsadvokat Inger Marie Støen til avisen. (Vårt Land, 08/04/08)

Jeg har lyst å rope et lavt HURRA!  Jeg er så glad på hennes vegne, for at hun slipper en ny runde med rettsak. Men, så vet jeg, eller dvs jeg kan vel egentlig bare ane, hvor mye vondt hun skal ha det fremover også. Uavhengig av dommen og straffen og erstatningsbeløpet skal hun bearbeide og forsøke å lege alle de sårene hun er påført. Det er ingen lett jobb, og den starter kanskje for alvor nå. Mange år vil det ta henne å jobbe seg igjennom alt hun har opplevd. Og for resten av sitt liv skal hun leve med arrene etter alt hun har vært igjennom. Og i tillegg skal hun leve med sviket fra moren, og avstand til sine yngre brødre. Jeg bare håper at hun har gode støttespillere som står trofast sammen med henne! Og jeg håper hun forstår hvilken inspirasjonskilde hun er gjennom å orke å ta kampen i rettsalen to ganger, og ved å jobbe seg gjennom dette! Hun skal være stolt av alt hun mestrer!

Og hva gjelder presten (og hans kone) som ikke orker en ny runde… ha! 😡 det tror jeg ikke han bryr seg noen ting om! han har jo allerede anket tidligere, trodde han at det ikke ville bli en belastning for familien? 😡 spar meg for den slags tull! 👿 en mann som er i stand til å gjøre slike unevnelige ting mot sin stedatter (eller noe menneske) har ikke følelser nok til å virkelig bry seg om sin familie. Desverre for dem! Hadde de hatt evne til å bry seg om andre hadde de ikke begått slike ting! 😡 Nei, han har vel heller innsett at han ikke kommer noen vei, han har ikke blitt trodd i to rettsaler. Så at han nå plutselig skal være “snill” og la være å anke fordi han og familien hans ikke orker… det er hans nye strategi for å oppnå sympati! 👿 Han mener seg jo fremdeles uskyldig dømt, og selv om han vet det ikke stemmer, kan han ikke tape ansikt ved å innrømme sin skyld. Derfor tar han en ny strategi, og skal nå være en slags martyr som ofrer seg og soner straffen han selv mener han ikke fortjener… 👿 jada, så synes hans folk veldig så synd på ham… huff!

Glåmdalen saken

Jeg har tenkt masse på denne saken… hva kan jeg gjøre? Kan jeg gjøre noe? Jeg ber i alle fall. Ber om at offeret må bli tatt godt vare på av sine støttespillere. At hun må overleve, greie seg gjennom denne tøffe tiden. At hun må klare å legge skylden der den hører hjemme. At hun aldri må miste synet av en bedre fremtid. Og om hun mister det så må noen hjelpe henne å se det igjen!

Og så ber jeg om at moren må komme til fornuft og støtte sin datter. At hun må våkne opp fra den virkeligheten hun er fanget i gjennom sin mann, og støtte sin datter i den vanskelige tiden. Og, at hun ikke må bli overveldet av dårlig samvittighet om hun skulle våkne opp, men tenke at alt hun gjør fra nå av og fremover kan gjøre at hun og datteren kan få et ok forhold til slutt.

Jeg kjenner dem ikke, ingen av de involverte. Jeg kjenner ikke noen som kjenner dem heller… men dette ligner litt på min historie. Min far som nekter for all skyld og hadde makt over alle. Men min mor stod på min side fra dag 1 og vi har fått et godt forhold etterpå. Hun hadde dårlig samvittighet, fordi hun ikke hadde sett og skjønt… men hun ga ikke etter for den, hun jobbet seg gjennom den og har gjort så mye bra etter at hun fikk vite, at jeg laster henne ikke for ikke å ha sett… mannen var og er en mester i å manipulere folk. Det er alle overgripere!

Glåmdalen saken: Hva feiler det denne dama?

“Mandag deltok kona til den overgrepsdømte glåmdalspresten i et åpent møte om seksuelle overgrep i regi av kirken og Kongsvinger kommune, hvor det vakte stor oppsikt da hun bedyret sin manns uskyld, og mente han var utsatt for et justismord.” (fra Glåmdalen, http://www.glomdalen.no/nyheter/article3449527.ece)  og videre i en annen sak:

“Prestekona forklarer at hun møtte på seminaret for å høre foredraget og for å kunne gi et mer nyansert bilde av saken nå som dommen har falt. – Anledningen ga meg mulighet til å fortelle om hvordan vi har det, takke for støtten vi får og fortelle at dommen ikke har forandret vårt standpunkt i saken. Jeg ønsket at folk skulle bli kjent med et nyansert bilde av saken. En dom i lagmannsretten er rettskraftig og vi forholder oss til det i praksis, men det er mange som mener at dette er et justismord, og det jobbes fortsatt med saken, forteller hun. Hun mener det er viktig å få fram det hun brenner for og synes ikke det var feil å få uttale seg om saken på møtet: – Jeg må få lov til å stå for det jeg og mange andre tror på. Det var på grunn av prestesaken at møtet ble arrangert og derfor ville jeg komme hit for å høre foredraget og for å få fram et nyansert bilde. Vi må respektere hverandre for våre ulike standpunkter. Prestekonas største ønske er å få gjenopprettet kontakten med datteren en gang. – Mitt og vårt største ønske er å få henne tilbake, sier hun.” fra http://www.glomdalen.no/nyheter/article3444324.ece NB! Min utheving av teksten!

Jeg sitter måpende og leser dette! 😯 Det er altså så hinsides enhver fornuft at jeg klarer ikke riktig å bli sint på vegne av den fornærmede her! Det er så utrolig trist at det går an å oppføre seg så idiotisk (selvfølgelig er overgrepsdømt sine handlinger langt verre) og jeg heller til at fornærmede nesten skal være glad for å komme seg vekk fra disse menneskene! Men, så er det jo hennes familie, og det må jo smerte henne noe voldsomt! Ikke bare har hun opplevd svik fra sin stefar, hun opplever også at moren velger å tro mer på sin mann enn sin datter, og for datteren er dette dobbelt straff. Denne moren fortjener ikke å “få henne tilbake”! Når man svikter sin datter så grundig som hun gjør her, da er man ikke skikket til å være mor! Mest sannsynlig er hun så hjernevasket av sin mann at hun ikke ser det som nå to rettsinstanser ser, og flertallet av omgivelsene, og hennes egen datter ser… nemlig at hun er gift med en overgriper. Og som mor burde hun stilt opp for sin datter først og fremst, og stått på hennes side uansett, hun er jo tross alt 1000 ganger viktigere enn mannen! Hadde hun tatt datterens parti og trodd på henne, støttet henne og gjort det hun kunne for at datteren skulle ha det bra, da kunne hun regne med å “få henne tilbake” etterhvert.

Jeg håper hun våkner enten av seg selv eller av at noen nær henne når inn, og tar datteren på alvor, før det er for sent! For datterens skyld! Datteren trenger all den støtte hun kan få, og hun har det helt sikkert veldig vondt og vanskelig, moren må prioritere sin morsrolle her, og gjøre alt hun kan for at datteren får et så godt liv som mulig etterhvert. Hun må da forstå at to rettsinstanser ikke dømmer på bakgrunn av tull og tøys! Norske domstoler er da veldig så opptatt av bevis og troverdighet! Og med så mange overgrepssaker som ikke kommer til rettsalen engang, så er det da virkelig grunn til å tro på rettens konklusjoner her!

Hmm, skal jeg offentliggjøre navnet på denne presten og hans kone? Vet ikke, av hensyn til offeret som kanskje har samme navn som tiltalte… det er i allefall bare å google på “glåmdalen presten heter”…