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Tuesday morning feelings

Right now I feel like going out of my workplace and buy something. What? Perhaps something to eat, so that I can reduce the sad and empty feeling inside me. And perhaps something to cheer me up – a new shoulderbag, a piece of jewelry?

Earlier today I’ve spent (thrown away) NOK 100,- (≈USD 20,-) on a pregnancy test. But of course the test was negative, and now I’m just sad, angry and disappointed. I thought that we’d timed it so good this time, but apparently not. I’m disillusioned and the only thing I want is to go home and go to bed and sleep… get away from everything. I canceled my participation in a meeting at work, couldn’t manage to face the others and be productive. I feel like crying it out loud, and to have everyone feel pity for me because I don’t get to have another child…

Unfortunately, there’s a possible chance that the test was taken too early, despite the period being due today. It’s normal for me to have the period start a week later, because the ovulation didn’t take place when I thought it would. My system’s not reliable, and that makes it difficult to know when things should happen. If only the test could be like an x-ray picture of my stomach, and I would see if the uterus is empty or not… Unfortunately – that’s because I can hope for another week or so for a better result than today. Unless of course my period starts in the meantime.

I know perfectly well that nothing gets better by eating or buying anything. Perhaps for a short period of time, but not in the long run. Then I blame myself for having eaten sweets and chocolate or buying things I don’t need, and I get even sadder or angrier.

Monday morning thoughts

Most of my thoughts today center around the “new baby” issue… will my period start today or tomorrow as scheduled? Should I take a test to see whether a new baby is in its first development inside me, or is it simply a waste of time and money? (I’ve taken numerous tests earlier this year when waiting for my period – and all have been negative) I’m not as pms ridden as usual, but this differ from period to period as well. I wish my system was on the clock punctual and that if my period was one day or week late, I could be certain that it was due to pregnancy. But, unfortunately, that’s not me! Its perfectly normal for me to wait everything from a day to a couple of weeks extra for my period to begin. Hence, the conceiving thing is somewhat tricky – because it isn’t possible to pinpoint the exact days certain activities should take place…

I try not to think about this too much, as I know that could have impact on my chances to become pregnant. But because this is something I want very much, it’s hard to not think about it! I should try to talk to God about it, and put it in His hands. I must admit that that’s a thing I’ve problems with doing. In important cases, like this, I don’t rely fully on God, and I somehow think that I should fix it myself. Because when I ordered a new baby from God, He didn’t deliver, and I’m disappointed with Him. Why couldn’t He give me a second child when I started wanting it? If I’m not pregnant now, and becomes pregnant later this year, I would have to be pregnant during the hot summer months… and me being a “hot” person, that’s not something I’d enjoy. I did it the last time, and it wasn’t comfortable at all! (My firstborn is born in September) And the age difference between the two will be larger.

I have some sharp pains at both sides of my stomach, deep down – almost where my thighs begin. I remember having pains at these sides at the early stages of my previous pregnancy, but dare I think these are the same?

Today it’s two weeks since I stopped eating chocolates and sweets (again). I’ve already lost 0,6 kg. And I’m satisfied with my achievements. My main motivation is becoming more fertile, and also be able to do more without becoming tired. I wont loose weight in a hurry, and become super slim. My main goal is to loose 20 kg in 1,5 year. That’s a reasonable time, and it means that I don’t have to be on a diet all the time. Being on a diet removes my want to eat anything, giving me bad consciousness if I should eat, and that’s not a good thing. I do this my way, all on my own, that gives me a feeling of control, and that’s something I need!

I’ve also been in modest and feminine clothes everyday for the past two weeks. I’ve worn skirts and modest tops. My skirts have different lengths, some are summer skirts knee length, others are more autumn/winter and have longer lengths. I really like wearing skirts! But I have some difficulties with being more visible – as women around me doesn’t wear skirts as the rule, but sometimes… There’s a destructive feeling inside me because I’m dressing femininely. I try to overhear this inner thought, but… it isn’t easy… and it drains me of my energy!

I’m in control

Had my last appointment with my physiotherapist today. It was my decision to end it, but we agreed upon it. I’ve come a long way, and I’m happy for all the progress she’s helped me achieved. I’ve never taken such a decision before, always feared for hurting the other person, and also thinking that they as a skilled person know better than me when it’s time to end a therapeutic relationship. But it feels good to be able to make my own decision. It’s my life and my responsibility to make it a fairly good one.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday, but it was negative. I’m still hoping that there is a baby starting to develop, that the test was to early to give a reliable answer. My husband is so calm about it, if it happens its ok, if it doesn’t that’s ok too. If only I could be that calm about it! I was the last time, because I didn’t believe I could get pregnant, so it took me a long time to realise that it was in fact a baby growing inside. Then I thought about all the things that could go wrong, and was convinced the baby would die inside me, or right after being born. Lucky for me, none of my fears became true, the boy is now 2,5 yrs old and healthy.

About halfway in lent, and still keeping my sacrifices…

I know one’s not supposed to brag about fasting, but as this is meant to be a personal blog, I regard it not as bragging, but simply stating the fact that I still manage to keep my sacrifices. I’ve even ended to magazine subscriptions today, as I saw that I don’t have the time to read them. This lenten sacrificing business is making me more satisfied with myself as I put my principles into action. I’ve had all these good principles in my head for some time, but have been rather dissatisfied with my failing to live by them. Lent is therefore a good time to put into action what I’ve been thinking about for some time.

Doing my daily round collecting and sending the mail for my office, I covered my head with a scarf – much like a muslim with some hair showing at my forehead. I did this because of the rain. And did not get any strange looks. It feels so right to cover, so I use every opportunity I’ve got, to do it. But, using a beret when it’s snowing or a scarf in rainy weather doesn’t make me stand out from the rest, and thus no one is able to see that I’m covering for religious reasons. I dream about going to a different town and cover my head just to see how it would be… Maybe on a holiday some time?

I can’t remember if I’ve posted some sort of explanation for my covering conviction? Well, it is according to the Bible. I can’t remember the exact place, but somewhere in the letters, St Paul writes about how a woman is to behave. She should among other things keep her hair long (it is stated that cutting one’s hair is wrong – it is the same as shaving the whole thing off) and to cover her head for the sake of the angels. In order to show that the woman has accepted being subordinated under her husband. Some say that the hair is the cover, but others says that that’s a translation mistake, and the covering should be in addition to the hair. That’s why I want to cover my head. To show that I’m subordinate under God. (The chain or rank of order is God-church-man-woman) Especially when praying I feel a need to bow my head and cover it, I’m talking to/with God! I know for certain that if I was to meet him, I would kneel down and bow my head in His presence. He is the Almighty, the Highest! I’m also trying to oppose to the mainstream thought in the society, that money and glamour and status makes one happy. And that people should be juged by their appearance and not inner qualities. Vain. And finally, in support to the muslim women who wear their hijab according to their religious or cultural beliefs. I can’t believe the Western countries banning hijabs in schools, workplaces and so on. I mean, to the hijabis, going out without that piece of clothing, is as if a non-coverer should stop wearing her trousers or blouse… They feel naked.

I took a pregnancy test today, but it was negative… I know it was too early, but I thought I could feel some of the symptoms known from the last time I was pregnant. That’s some sort of stretching ache very low on both sides of the stomach. But it could also be me wanting them to be the first signs of pregnancy… It could just be some bowel or congestion pains… :-S I must try to be more patient, and wait another week or so before I do more testing…