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Tuesday morning feelings

Right now I feel like going out of my workplace and buy something. What? Perhaps something to eat, so that I can reduce the sad and empty feeling inside me. And perhaps something to cheer me up – a new shoulderbag, a piece of jewelry?

Earlier today I’ve spent (thrown away) NOK 100,- (≈USD 20,-) on a pregnancy test. But of course the test was negative, and now I’m just sad, angry and disappointed. I thought that we’d timed it so good this time, but apparently not. I’m disillusioned and the only thing I want is to go home and go to bed and sleep… get away from everything. I canceled my participation in a meeting at work, couldn’t manage to face the others and be productive. I feel like crying it out loud, and to have everyone feel pity for me because I don’t get to have another child…

Unfortunately, there’s a possible chance that the test was taken too early, despite the period being due today. It’s normal for me to have the period start a week later, because the ovulation didn’t take place when I thought it would. My system’s not reliable, and that makes it difficult to know when things should happen. If only the test could be like an x-ray picture of my stomach, and I would see if the uterus is empty or not… Unfortunately – that’s because I can hope for another week or so for a better result than today. Unless of course my period starts in the meantime.

I know perfectly well that nothing gets better by eating or buying anything. Perhaps for a short period of time, but not in the long run. Then I blame myself for having eaten sweets and chocolate or buying things I don’t need, and I get even sadder or angrier.

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Easier to dress modestly in fall

I find it much easier to dress modestly now when the weather is colder, than in the midst of summer. Now I wear my knee-length summer skirts with tights underneath. Half or full sleeve blouses/tunics, and the long warmer skirts, makes a modest and comfortable wardrobe. I also have a couple of almost see-through tunics that I wear over my least modest tees. I manage to wear skirts all week when leaving the house. At home I have a couple of very comfy (but not at all stylish) sweat pants that I wear. But mainly that’s inside the house or perhaps out in the street watching my son play or when driving him to the kindergarden and following him in. I have a variety of different skirts, and I like wearing them. This is something I’ve chosen for myself, and am totally comfortable with. I like the femininity of the skirts, but also the fact that they’re not as warm as my pair of jeans.

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Today and yesterday I’ve had a light form for morning sickness… but dare I believe that it’s pregnancy related, or should I keep telling myself that this has nothing to do with me being pregnant, this is only related to my tonsillitis and the bad taste I wake up with every morning as a result of my tonsillitis being chronic. Or even my body faking pregnancy symptoms because I want it that much… Of course I really hope, and pray for, a little life starting in my womb, but as I’ve hoped for that every month since January this year, and every month becoming disappointed, I’m reluctant to hope too much. It’s better if I assume I can’t have any more babies, and then if I can, I can be happily surprised… this was somewhat easier to believe in before my first pregnancy… but now that I know I can have children naturally concieved I think that it should be possible a second time. Oh, how hard it is to wait for my period to come (or hopefully not)…